Being stressed about normal things in life is not the same as
having an anxiety disorder. Let me tell you what it's like for me to
have an anxiety disorder (coupled with depression).
I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is mentally
make a list of all the things I didn't accomplish yesterday and last
week, plus the things I need to have done for the day and upcoming week.
Thinking about everything I have on my to do list overwhelms me, and I
end up staying in bed until I absolutely have to get up and attempt to
tackle these tasks. I set four or five separate alarms because although I
should wake up at 5:30, realistically I won't wake up until 6:30.
Once I'm out of bed, I have to rush getting ready because I'm
almost always running late at this point. Usually I have to be at work
by 7am, or on campus by 8am. I
am not a morning person, and it shows. Knowing I look as crappy as I
feel makes me worry about how others will perceive me. Generally I get
the comments of "wow, you look tired" or "are you feeling okay?" because
for some reason people don't seem to realize how insulting it is for me
to hear that. As if I don't feel bad enough at 7am, they like to remind me that I look bad too.
While at work I struggle to focus on what I should be doing.
It's hard to stay on task when there are so many other things I need to
do. Instead, I think about the fact that my paycheck will barely pay my
rent this month, let alone my gas and food for two weeks. It's always
paycheck to paycheck, and I have to start saving for my sister's
wedding. I feel like I don't work enough, but my schedule won't allow me
to work more than I already am. My second job will start soon, and that
will add even more stress to my life.
When I finally have a short break to try to get homework or
something else done, I procrastinate. The list grows; it's always too
daunting for me to even try. I don't have the motivation, and then I
start to worry that I'll never get anything done and consequently never
graduate college and never get anywhere in life. So I stress eat.
After stress eating, I feel even worse. I think about how
poorly I'm treating my body, but how at the same time I don't even care
because I already look terrible anyway (I look "tired", remember?) and
it doesn't matter if I get fat because nobody will ever love me anyway.
Cue the tears from knowing that my divorce is completely my fault; I
can't do anything right, including allowing someone else to love me
enough that I learn how to love myself too. Everything that has gone
wrong is because of me, and how could anyone want to be with someone who
can't keep herself composed?
Then I start thinking about Matt and how much I blame myself
for what happened to our friendship right before he died. I never got a
chance to fix things, and I hate myself for it every day. I get so upset
with myself that everything starts pouring out, and I can't hold it
back any longer.
Once I'm crying, I can't stop. My chest gets tight, and I start
to hyperventilate because I can't breathe, my heart is racing, and I am
freaking out. The world is pushing on me and I don't have the strength
to push back, so I curl into a fetal position and let it crush me.
Everything hurts. My bones ache from the weight, my muscles spasm from
the prolonged tension, my lungs collapse without oxygen. I can't feel my
legs. I can't feel my hands. I can't feel my face. The numbness takes a
while to fade once my panic attack ends, but my body shakes for a
while.
I eventually get my breathing under control, and go to my
meeting for Panhellenic. For two hours I fight to be active in the
meeting, and it's much harder than I like to admit. I often ask people
to repeat things because I couldn't focus on what they said, or didn't
realize they were speaking to me. I remember that I still look as bad as
I feel, and I worry that they are thinking the worst things about me
and my lack of ability to appear professional and keep my composure in
front of others. I focus too hard on trying to focus, and get lost. My
inability to admit that I'm struggling with every aspect of my life
causes me to continue to take on more responsibility than I can handle,
and I mentally kick myself for volunteering to help with so many things.
After the meeting ends, I go home. And rather than dealing with
my to do list, I put it off again and watch Netflix. While trying to
recover, I tweet about the difficult day I'm having. I might even text a
friend or two, my way of asking for comfort or help or guidance. Nobody
can/will come over. Unsure if it's because they don't care or what, the
loneliness sinks in. I worry that I am annoying them with my
friendship, or if they even consider me a friend. My existence must not
be too important, so I ignore them. I don't answer texts or tweets or
snapchats. I lay in bed and consider how much better off they would be
without me, if I stopped trying to be their friend and just disappeared.
I decide thinking this way is too depressing and I don't want
another panic attack, so I go to bed. I'm exhausted, and have so much to
do still. As I'm laying in bed I add more to my list of things to do,
but I'll do it all tomorrow. I always tell myself I'll do it tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.
So please, tell me how meditation or religion or whatever other
bullshit will help. Please tell me how you "overcame anxiety" by just
pushing through it and making a to do list and doing it one thing at a
time. Tell me how they have medication for people like me, because I
obviously need to be put on something since I can't function like a
normal person. I love hearing all of those things because it's such
great advice for dealing with something that most people don't
understand unless they've dealt with it firsthand.
This is why I am the way I am. I don't ask to feel this way.
This is just a description of my worst days though; I have plenty of
good days too where it isn't this intense. Granted, my good days usually
are similar to my bad ones, they just don't involve a panic attack.
I don't need your pity. I don't need your advice. I just need you to understand and accept me as I am.
