Sometimes I leave the chain unhooked.
All three keys are on my ring, but a part of me half expects the lock to turn as you make your way through the door. I sit up at night, patiently waiting for the clicking of the bolt, and go to bed disappointed and alone.
It's silly, I know. Maybe even a little pathetic.
It isn't that I want you. It isn't that I miss you. It's partly out of habit. But mostly, it's the fact that I want to feel something again.
The rush I used to get when you came home was exhilarating. I had butterflies from the excitement. The anticipation of being entangled in you physically and emotionally was indescribable. But those feelings disappeared, and my heart became empty. It's an ache that doesn't go away.
Seeing you doesn't hurt me. Talking to you doesn't give me pangs of sadness. But remembering how we felt a year ago, and not being sure if I will ever feel that way with someone again? It makes my heart ache.
I don't need to fall in love again anytime soon; I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Maybe if the right person came into my life I would change my mind. Maybe I will never fall in love again. Who's to say?
I leave the chain unhooked because locking it means I am locking out the possibility of someone entering the door.
Regardless of whether or not I need/want a romantic relationship in my life, the void is still there. I attempt to fill it with meaningless interests, or with meaningful ones. Though, I still feel like part of me is missing.
No, I do not need a guy to define who I am as a person or to make me feel whole, but the idea is tempting. I may not want you, but I want what we had. It pushed me to do more things. It pushed me to do better.
Being single is liberating, but also constricting. I am free to do whatever I please, but I am limited by the fact that I hurt too much to want to try again.
I leave the chain unhooked because it's halfway to letting love back in to my life.
Maybe someday I'll actually unlock the door.
