Let me start by saying that I do believe life happens upon conception. I
am not religious, but I was raised in a home based on many basic
Christian values and beliefs. And though I think being pro-life is a
very respectable point of view, I am pro-choice. But being pro-life or
pro-choice isn't as black and white as people make it out to be. Many pro-lifers are actually just
pro-birth; they want you to have your baby no matter the circumstances,
and as soon as that baby is born they no longer are interested in your
uterus because they've moved on to the next fetus that needs to be
saved. Many pro-choice supporters are actually against abortion; they believe it
is wrong, but that every woman has the right to decide what is best for
herself and her body whether it is parenthood, adoption, or abortion.
I am one of those pro-choice supporters that feels many abortions are
unnecessary. I am also one of the women who made the decision to
terminate a pregnancy this year through Planned Parenthood.
Before you start shaming me for a decision made between myself, my
family, and my (now ex) husband, please allow me to share my story. I
understand we all have different beliefs, moral and religious, but as
humans we should be learning to respect each others' choices whether or
not we agree with them. I understand talking openly about such a taboo
topic will make some of you dislike me (maybe even hate me), and it will
make most of you never look at me the same way again. I understand that
sharing this very private and personal experience on the internet will
bring backlash. However, if we continue to allow ourselves to feel
ashamed for making a choice that is best for us as individuals, we will
never win the war. It is your body. It is your future. It is your
choice. It is your right to have access to safe and affordable
reproductive health care like the kind that is available through Planned
Parenthood.
My first time visiting PP was nearly eight years ago when I was 15 and a
freshman in high school. I had been taught sex education in school. I
knew about birth control and condoms, but that was the extent of my
knowledge about sex. I had made myself a promise to wait until I met the
right guy (not necessarily marriage, but definitely love), so I wasn't
worried about preventing pregnancy anytime soon anyway. My mom wanted me on the pill just as
a precaution, because we all know that as teenagers things happened
unexpectedly sometimes, especially sex.
I had to answer a lot of questions for the lady who did my examination,
explaining that I was a virgin and was trying to be prepared just in
case. Not once did I feel judged. I was a little uncomfortable because
back then they had to do breast exams and an annual pap smear for
patients; a very awkward experience for someone who was not sexually
active at all. I began taking the pill and continued it for six years. I
never had a negative interaction with a staff member when I went in for
appointments or to pick up supplies.
Two years ago, I had complications with my birth control. I was a week
or so late on my very regularly scheduled cycle, so I did what any young
woman would do and I went to the drugstore to buy an early pregnancy
test. I remember how nervous I felt waiting; those two minutes truly did feel like they would never pass. When time was up, I saw a positive result. I immediately
stopped my birth control, but within the next week I had started
bleeding before I had an opportunity to see a doctor.
I assumed I had miscarried, and it put me in a dark place. What kind of
20 year old couldn't get pregnant? Not that I was trying, but the idea of me
possibly never being able to have children terrified me, and I was
swallowed by my depression once again
When I called an ob/gyn office to try to schedule an appointment to try to figure out what was going on with my body, they told me it would take a minimum of three weeks to get an appointment at any ob/gyn office, and that I should just go to the emergency room to get checked out. So I went to IU West in Indianapolis. I sat in that waiting room for four hours - hospitals shouldn't call it an emergency room if they're going to make patients wait so long. I digress. Four hours after checking in, I was taking to a room and explained the situation to the nurse. She had me do a urine sample so she could test for pregnancy, and when the doctor finally entered (clearly uninterested in my female reproductive problems) all he did was tell me that I wasn't pregnant and then sent me on my way.
To this day I am still bitter about that interaction. Not only was I made to wait hours for a five minute interaction with a nurse and less than a minute with the doctor just to be told I'm not pregnant (which I was pretty clear about already, since the reason I came in was because I was sure that I had miscarried the pregnancy), but they then proceeded to bill me over $900 for all of it.
Had I done the reasonable thing and gone into a PP, I would've possibly had to wait a couple hours depending on which location and the time of day and whether or not I had scheduled an appointment. But I also would not have been treated so poorly, and I would not have been charged $900 to take a simple pregnancy test. They probably would have looked into my medical situation more thoroughly at PP, and would have actually cared how I felt emotionally about all of it. But I didn't go to PP. And because of that, I stopped my birth control.
For two years I took no preventative measures, and for two years I didn't have any pregnancy "scares". When my ex and I got married, we talked about it and decided we didn't want to try, but if it happened then it wouldn't be a bad thing either. So, a week after we decided to divorce, when I realized I was two weeks late already, I went to Planned Parenthood for a pregnancy test. I had all of the typical early symptoms - frequent urination, sore breasts, exhaustion, nausea - so it wasn't a shock when they told me that I tested positive.
Immediately, the lady asked me if I had thought about what I wanted to do, and I told her that I wanted to terminate. I didn't think twice about the decision at first. After the past two months that Alex and I had been through, there was no way either of us was ready to raise a child, especially in a broken home. I considered for a moment that maybe it was a sign to stay with him, that maybe the pregnancy was my only chance for a family of my own. And for that moment, I desperately wanted to be a mother. I wanted to take on the responsibility, I wanted to love someone more than anything else in the world, I wanted to deal with the consequences of my actions. After some thought, I realized that I was in no place mentally/emotionally to care for another person - it was a big reason why Alex and I were divorcing in the first place - and it would be extremely selfish of me to bring a child into this world that I couldn't properly care for.
"Why not adoption? Anything to keep the baby alive!" In all honesty, I considered adoption for a bit. Then I began to realize that after nine months of growing a human inside of me, I would not be able to give him/her up. I would grow too attached, and I would have convinced myself that I could do it on my own if I wanted it badly enough. I would not be emotionally strong enough to hand over my child to a stranger, and that would make me feel more guilty than anything. Eventually, I settled on the uncomfortable decision of termination.
When I told the PP employee that I wanted to terminate, she gave me information for it. Along with it, she gave me the pamphlets on parenthood and adoption, as well as other pregnancy related items. She did not coerce me into abortion; she listened to my request, and, knowing that women often change their minds, she still gave me paperwork for all of my options anyway. For the next two days I reached out to my family and to Alex for support in my decision. Everyone agreed it was the best thing to do in our situation, even though most, if not all, of them did not agree with abortion in most circumstances.
The week following, I went to the clinic for my pre-procedure information and an examination to determine how far along the pregnancy was. We were taking in as a group to watch a video, and then called back individually for ultrasounds. During the long day, I learned a lot about pregnancy and termination. I learned that there are two types of termination - medical and surgical. Medical termination is only an option to women whose pregnancy is no more than 9 weeks along, and is done by pills; surgical is offered to those up to 12 weeks, and is done with a vacuum. I learned that in Indiana, you are legally required to wait a minimum of 18 hours between receiving the information and having the procedure done. I learned that the heart starts being approximately 5 weeks into the pregnancy. I learned that I was about 7 weeks along.
It was hard not to be emotional the few days leading up to my procedure. I felt guilty for terminating a pregnancy that I so badly had wanted just a few months prior. I felt ashamed because I didn't know how I was ever going to look my grandmother in the eye, knowing how much she would disapprove if she found out. I felt lonely because it isn't something you can just bring up in conversation with someone. I felt like the worst human being for making the choice that I did, and I still feel that way. But I went through with it because life is already hard enough. There are enough children in the world who need taken care of, and who am I to bring another into it when I can't even take care of myself? Yes, it was my body and my decision. But she was also a living thing. She had a heartbeat. She was growing. I was supposed to nurture her and take care of her, and instead I decided that she was never going to be born.
I don't share all of this for the attention. I'm sharing all of this because what people need to understand about Planned Parenthood is that they truly do help young women in need. Despite the outrageous accusations that just so happened to conveniently come to light right before the bill to defund PP was voted on, the care that women receive at PP is safe and affordable - something that many young women have trouble finding elsewhere. My experience was not easy, but the staff at PP made it easier for me. They counseled me to make sure my decision was what I wanted. They made me feel comfortable before, during, and after termination. They did not once judge me or make me feel like I couldn't be open and honest with them. They even gave me free condoms and birth control upon departure, hoping to prevent an unwanted pregnancy in my future. They cared, which is more than I can say for any other healthcare provider I have visited.
To not support Planned Parenthood, to try to defund them, that is telling women that you do not care about their health or their safety. It is telling them that they don't deserve to be taken care of by professionals who genuinely care about their reproductive health. My experience is just one of many, but there are so many other young women (and men!) who rely on PP for their sexual health whether it be for prevention of STDs or pregnancy, or for general health care concerns. Only a small percentage of patients go in to terminate a pregnancy. Take it from someone who has been through it, Planned Parenthood is an incredible support system and healthcare provider for women of all ages.
I am 1 in 3, and I support Planned Parenthood.
